Parenting is a balancing act between our desires to fulfill not just the needs, but the wants of our children and allowing our children to assume that wherever their precious little feet tread, that is the spot where the earth’s axis resides. The holidays are a precious reminder of this fact. While many exclaim the importance of tolerance, love, peace and charity during this time of year, I see more meltdowns and tantrums in the stores than acts of goodwill. One can see evidence all around that teaching our children that it is better to give than receive is much more readily said than done.
I was pretty sure I had done a good job this year balancing the two; making sure that the boys took part in the gift selection for family members, emphasizing the importance of buying local and putting thought into gifts, making lots of homemade treats and delivering them to neighbors, friends, and local good Samaritans, and making the boys earn money to purchase gifts for each other. In addition, I had us test our own beliefs of goodwill and love by spending time baking and delivering goodies to the local Occupiers. After hearing this group of people called lazy and useless, I decided to take the boys to go meet them and decide if that were the case after talking with them. It was an amazing experience and lesson in tolerance, rationality, and stereotypes. I was so very proud of how much both the boys took away from the experience, which resulted in a repeat trip to deliver more goodies, high-fives, and loads of smiles.
We were doing pretty good until this morning, upon waking up with the excitement and magic of Christmas in the air, I was horrified to see my two sons, ages ten and seven, comparing the gifts they ripped open, questioning how much money was spent, and counting up the dollars in cash and gift cards accumulated like it was some contest. I was, quite frankly, disgusted by the display which represented values I don’t want for my children, and grateful that few were present to witness it.
Later in the day I was not as fortunate to avoid the public display of greediness when my youngest son announced to a large group of family that, despite receiving more toys than he can even fit in his room, he didn’t receive the one thing he really wanted; a particular video game. I found myself on the defensive, citing all the video games he already has both at our home and at his grandparent’s. In addition to the obscene number of games they have for their two gaming systems, I reminded him of his iPod Touch and his brother’s iPhone, both loaded with game Apps…did I mention they are ten and seven?! To have a room full of brand new toys and games, two video game systems, AND trendy smart phones to boot at their age and not feel satisfied? Two incidents in one day of selfish behavior and I could no longer place my disappointment in them. They weren’t the ones who allowed the accumulation of so many possessions at the expense of their sense of gratitude and selflessness. No, that blame belongs to the parents, and as I am the only one, I accept full responsibility and shame.
On the drive home from the aforementioned gathering, ready to wind down for bed, I asked the boys to tell me what they thought about this Christmas. The quiet pause in the backseat was uncharacteristically long and thick with disappointment and sadness, and seemed to spark the frustration inside me that had subsided over the previous two incidents from the day. That spark was quickly and completely extinguished with the reply that it was only OK, because this Christmas was the first Christmas, which their father, who passed away last April, not only wasn’t with them, but couldn’t be…couldn’t talk to them, write them a letter, talk to them on the phone. The stuff that could be wrapped and placed under a tree or slipped in a stocking immediately had zero significance to any of us.
Immediately switching into crisis/nurturing mode, I had them get in cozies and devised a plan to focus on the positive. I grabbed a fresh Composition book and declared it our Happy Memory Christmas Book. Our new Christmas tradition would be to write at the end of every Christmas Day the experience that was most special to us this year. Then we would pack the book away and do the same thing while being able to read previous memories. I started the first entry, citing the funny outburst of Shawn’s during Christmas Eve mass this year and the drive up Horse Mountain with grandpa. As the boys wrote their entries, the smiles on their faces piqued my curiosity. Wrestling with their cousin? Opening presents? Playing their new games or building their new Lego sets? Getting all the pumpkin pie and cheesecake their little bellies could take? Anxious to remove their minds from negative thoughts of loss and sadness, I told myself not to express any signs of disappointment if the words those little hands scribbled told of cash or gift cards.
But no…
No, these entries were not preceded by values lessons or lectures. Yes, I may have misted up a bit.
The knowledge that they truly value the time and love we share together was the greatest gift they could possibly ever give me. I am truly, truly blessed this Christmas. When lost, lonely, sad, or disappointed, if the focus is changed, perhaps find a new tradition as Will, Shawn, and I did tonight, and joy, peace, and happiness will find you too.
Merry Christmas!!
